I’m tired and it’s hard but it’s also ok. Is it really ok? What if I just wrote an update from the negative, that thought feels scary. How could I write an update without saying that I am also ok. Yes, stuff is hard and the results aren’t good but coming from the negative feels false too. I don’t live in the negative, I am ok. Leaning to the negative doesn’t come naturally to my mentality. It’s not that I am in denial either, I genuinely am doing good. Of course there are moments where I am not, moments where it all gets too much, moments of overwhelming physical or emotional pain, moments of sleep deprivation or fatigue, moments where my clothes don’t fit or feel comfortable the way they used to, moments where I’m triggered at the loss of the me before all of this. But those are just moments and there are so many moments in every day. As wild as everything is, it’s also fine. It’s somehow normal and beautiful and everything in between
I got my scan results back over a month ago now, I knew they wouldn’t be good from my own sense of my body but I also felt/feel very calm about that too and feel this is just part of the journey. So the scan showed more progression, left breast mass, sternum, chest wall, both lungs, more by the T4 vertebrae and the T4 vertebrae collapsed as well. The scan showed a lot but other than this area in my chest the rest of my body feels and looks really healthy. They wanted me to do more radiotherapy but I don’t see that feeling right, I’m not completely dismissing it but it didn’t feel right in April when they recommended it as well.
In some ways it would be easy to just sit on the couch, to scroll on my phone or watch Netflix but I won’t get better doing that.To lean fully into the comfort, the soft things, the comfort food etc. I won’t heal like that, I need balance, I need rest but I also have to choose the harder things. One of those for me is the Hyperbaric Oxygen sessions. I don’t like the oxygen sessions, some are better than others but there are days I just want to get out of the chamber straightaway and I’m always very ready to get out when the 75 minutes are up. It doesn’t make me feel immediate relief, instead sometimes I feel a bit worse during and more tired after. I definitely feel more tender after a session, physically and emotionally. I know this isn’t the same for everyone. When I did my first round of sessions in 2021 it was much easier and I didn’t feel any discomfort from the sessions, just the benefits. I would and do highly recommend hyperbaric oxygen sessions but this is how I experience it now. It’s not easy but I also feel the benefit of it and I notice it the weeks I don’t mange to go.
Lately, the power and healing nature of the woods has shown up more and more. I’m surrounded by woods here but I wasn’t fully connecting to them. As some symptoms have gotten worse I’ve spent less time in nature, less time walking the dog, less time in the woods. The last few weeks I’ve been in the woods nearly everyday. My mum brings the dog all the time but I hadn’t gone to these woods. I mean we’re spoiled for woods here, every direction you look from the house you will see the trees. But finally I went to her special woods and I understood why they were so special. The dog adores the woods and she goes wild racing along the path, down to the shore and back up on the tree banks. There was no racing for me, I walked despite some of the pain and discomfort in my body. I breathed into it and made my way, maybe a little too far but I made it back to the car in one piece even if I was exhausted and in more pain. But I went again the next day, and the next.
By the time I reach the car again I’m relieved to see it, my back sinks into the chair and I know I’ll be home in a minute. By the time I get home I just need to sit down and have some tea before doing anything else. Yes, a walk in the woods exhausts me. But I’ll keep going, I will never get better sitting on the couch.
I’ve been going for weeks now, I missed two days in a row and noticed a difference. This lined up with missing oxygen sessions as well. But after two days not in the woods my lungs started to crackle when I lay down. They crackled Friday and Saturday night, it’s a very strange sensation, you hear and feel the sound internally a bit like being at the dentist. I needed the oxygen sessions but I wouldn’t get that till the Wednesday. I also had craniosacral booked for Wednesday which I knew would also shift and release stuff. But what I had access to there and then was the woods so I was back in the woods Sunday, back with the trees and it had eased that night, only the faintest sound of a crackle every now and again.
Yes, I really need the oxygen sessions, I can feel it in my lungs, the skin and circulation on my chest. I feel the difference when I don’t get it. My lungs are coming up and making themselves known right now but in many ways I’m doing better than I was a month ago. The inflammation on my spine has gone down. I’ve had three weeks now of no pain there, no twinges, no discomfort when I lay down or sit back awkwardly. I still wake up at night or can’t always fall asleep easily but it’s not because my back is at me. This is huge.
It’s not just the woods, I started my medicinal herbal teas from the ayurvedic doctor among other things but I know the woods are helping. This whole journey has been wild, there has been a shift in the intensity again lately but it all ebbs and flows. I’m not going anywhere, I will continue to try all the healing modalities I can. I wasn’t expecting the results to be great but I’m not worried about that either, we’re at an intense point right now but I was prepared for that.
All in all I’m feeling quite at peace with everything and I’m sure the next steps will continue showing up as and when they are meant to.