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Navigating Vulnerability Physically, I find myself

Navigating Vulnerability
Physically, I find myself in a season of tenderness, where my body and mind feel particularly fragile. It’s a delicate dance of being okay and not, where both truths coexist.
I’m not doing great right now physically so I’ve been avoiding people. Sometimes it’s simply I don’t know how to respond to the ‘how are you?’ message. But really I don’t want to tell people I’m not doing well. I don’t want to share that. Avoiding them doesn’t help though, avoiding them makes them worry too.
When people ask me in person how I am, I instinctively respond with surface-level affirmations like “okay,” “good,” or “grand,” all of which hold elements of truth but don’t capture the nuanced reality beneath. I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all.

Lately, my lungs have become a vocal part of this journey, their symphony of discomfort impossible to ignore. Simple tasks like climbing stairs or walking and talking leave me breathless, requiring pauses to catch my breath. When I tell people how much my lungs are affecting me right now, I usually try and follow quite quickly but my spine isn’t bothering me the way it was last month. It’s always let’s look on the positive, it’s always trying to convince them I’m not really that bad.

Continued on my blog (link in bio) 💜

(I do love that photo of Fiadh but there clearly w

(I do love that photo of Fiadh but there clearly wasn’t meant to be 6 duplicates of it 😂)
You’ll find me in the woods 🌲
I’m tired and it’s hard but it’s also ok. Is it really ok? What if I just wrote an update from the negative, that thought feels scary. How could I write an update without saying that I am also ok. Yes, stuff is hard and the results aren’t good but coming from the negative feels false too. I don’t live in the negative, I am ok. Leaning to the negative doesn’t come naturally to my mentality. It’s not that I am in denial either, I genuinely am doing good. Of course there are moments where I am not, moments where it all gets too much, moments of overwhelming physical or emotional pain, moments of sleep deprivation or fatigue, moments where my clothes don’t fit or feel comfortable the way they used to, moments where I’m triggered at the loss of the me before all of this. But those are just moments and there are so many moments in every day. As wild as everything is, it’s also fine. It’s somehow normal and beautiful and everything in between.

Continued on blog (link in bio)💜

Two years in (and some August snaps 📸) Two year

Two years in (and some August snaps 📸)
Two years, how has it been so long and so short all at once. Two years into this journey and I’m still here. I’m doing really good and I’m not. I’m healthy and I’m not. I guess these days I just feel like a juxtaposition.
My next scan is tomorrow September 2nd . I’ll have the scan and then go back to the hospital on the 7th for the report. I haven’t been since April. I have other appointments and treatments all the time but in the past year I have spent less time in the hospital than I did in the initial first week of the scans, tests and diagnosis. I’ve never been one for hospitals, I wasn’t even born in one and have yet to ever had to spend a night in one. I hope I can keep it that way for a longtime. Don’t get me wrong I do value hospitals and when I broke my foot it was the first place I went but emergency care is different.
How am I doing now?
I don’t think my scan will be good and that’s ok. I’m not giving up, there’s so much more I can do but this phase is hard. It’s not all hard and in many ways I’m at peace with it all. I’m at peace with how intense this journey has been, I’m at peace with it being part of my journey. I’m dancing at the edge with death, it’s been there the last two years, sometimes further back and sometimes more to the fore. I’ve made peace with that too. I guess we’re always dancing at the edge with death we just don’t usually realise or want to acknowledge it. But death is there, death is part of life and it’s inevitable for us all. I’m not running towards it but I’m also not terrified of it catching me. It’s a part of life and a part of all of our journeys so how terrifying can that be. I’ve made peace with it but I’m certainly not inviting it in just yet.
Continued on blog (link in bio 💜)

An update - with photos of Fiadh who didn’t get

An update - with photos of Fiadh who didn’t get a mention but makes sure I spend enough time outside 😅
Time for more rising
I’ve been quiet, not just on here but in my day to day as well. Since coming back from Mexico I feel like everything has sent me more inward. I wanted to keep moving forward, to keep leaping ahead but that hasn’t quite happened. Instead it feels like more has come to the surface and pieces I thought/hoped I had healed have come back up.

I’ve been struggling for a while now, I feel like I take two steps forward and one back and I’m weary of that. I need to find my fight, the inner pulse or drive to overcome this.

I don’t believe the narrative that stage 4 cancer is a death sentence, I know of too many people who have healed and overcome it so I know it can be done. I want to heal, to have a body free of cancer and I will keep aiming for that. Lately I’ve lost some of my fight, that strength that was pushing me forward so vehemently determined and some of the inner knowing that I was taking the right steps. The last two years have been hard, there’s been times of incredible joy, love, adventure and gratitude mixed right in there but overall this hasn’t been an easy chapter. Looking back a year ago I’m not where I wanted to be now, I was so determined to heal and so determined to do it quickly all the while trying to convince everyone else I was ‘fine’ and that I ‘had this’. I jumped through hoops and tried every supplement, healer, treatment, technique that I could possibly fit in. I wanted to live and I wanted to speed through it. My immune system kicked into high gear and I got some great results but I also skipped steps. I didn’t dive all the way in, I skirted around the edges all while repeating old patterns.
Continued on blog (link in bio) 💜

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